A sad week for journaling

Its been a down kind of week. I find it hard to want to journal or even log into check email and such. I have never figured out why but I just find it hard to write about things that are making me sad. I like to stay upbeat and positive, as a way to remind myself of all that is good around me. That is being thrown out the window today.

I have journaled for a long time, privately, at least, but blogging is different -- for me its been more about exploring a creative side that has long been "at rest." If I think back to times that have been tough -- I did journal quite a bit about the things that effected me. I also have a tendency to summarize the "unsettling things"in my blog entries into categories, like a list. So I think I do this so its down on paper and off my mind and that I have explored {at least a little} the reasons for feeling sad. Then I move on. I admit I like to skim over those sad thoughts quickly.

Keeping a journal is a good way to explore why you are feeling a certain way -- by doing such you are supposed to help yourself get over what is troubling you, by doing such you are making yourself look deep into what really matters and what is good in your life. But you know life just happens sometimes, that there is no getting better, its just about getting over it in the best way you can. In the most positive way you can. Coping with changes and sadnesses that enter into our lives is just in fact, part of life itself. So I love this part. And hate this part.

Not sure when it started, but I can totally categorize it into "losing people in our lives" mostly. Its been going on in my head for several weeks now.

A close friend's Dad not doing well, and in his last few days. I can't imagine that last troubling week for her and her family. These are things I have never had to go through in my own family yet. Receiving the communication from her this week that he had passed on early in the week made me feel sad all over again. For her, for them, for all that have to go through losing a loved one. A sort of relief for her that his painful time is over. But pain that she has to struggle through more grief at losing a parent. I keep her in my thoughts.

The news of killing and fighting overseas. Any of it. All of it. Why children? Why? What those families are going through no one should. I keep them in my thoughts.

The news of a kindergartener in our district with an inoperable, stem cell brain tumor. The email says P.U.S.H. Pray Until Something Happens...
"Her tumor is inoperable and resisting treatment. Her days are numbered, ..." She is the same age as my kindergartener going into first grade. Today is Alyssa's birthday. She turns six. Happy sweet birthday little Alyssa!! You deserve so much more time. Your mommy and daddy deserve to have so much more time. Can't even imagine having to face the prospect of losing one of my children. Can't even imagine. I keep the family in my thoughts.

All of sudden I get a rush of warmth to my cheeks and tears in my eyes. I can't wrap myself around the thought of not having one of my babies. I realize why I write their stories. Why I jot down silly words. Why I keep the pictures and drawings, even the not so adorable ones, near my bed, in my purse, in books, in albums, in random places. Because there is no random space in my heart. All space is taken by the love and bonds that exsist.

~M

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